why do i love you?

i was staring at each corner of the room where we were both lying, half- asleep, half- awake.

i shifted from one corner to another and to your closed eyes.

and for once, after a long long time, i asked myself one question i never imagined i would be asking at that exact moment: why do i love you?

and then you opened your eyes, i was running my fingers through your beautiful black hair, then you closed your eyes.

i wanted to think that everytime you do that, the closing of your eyes when i run my fingers through your hair, you are feeling my touches inbto the deepest part of your heart. but i don't know that.and i wouldn't ask. and it wouldn't matter really.

so why do i love you?i repeated the question in my mind.

i wrapped my arms around you and you did the same. i kissed you eyes, your right cheek, your nose and you kissed me on my head, soft little kiss.

i stared at each corner of the room again, while we were still both lying, both half-asleep, half-awake. why would i ask a question like that?

i closed my eyes for a second. i smiled, a certain smile that i knew was coming from my heart. i know you may not have noticed it because that kind of smile last almost always, only a second.

i kissed you again.

i smiled again. i love you. that's it. no questions asked.

ang pagsinta sa iyo'y higit pa sa bawat kong pagtula

ganoon na lamang ang sa iyo'y
aking pagdakila
kung kaya't
ang aking pagsinta'y higit na
sa bawat kong pagtula

higit na sa bawat kong paghinga
ang sa iyo'y pag-ibig
na sa bawat bukang liwayway,
sinasaksihan ng langit

hindi na iniinda
ang bawat kirot
na hatid
ng iyong hindi paglingon
sa bawat pagtawag ng puso

hindi iindahin pang muli
ang patuloy na pagdugo
ng mula't simula pa'y
sugatang puso

ganoon na lamang
ang aking pag-ibig
ang aking pagsintang sa iyo lamang

na sa bawat pag-inog ng mundo
walang ibang sambit ang puso

at sa bawat saglit ng pag-iral

ikaw lamang
ang nais na mahagkan
ang nais na makasiping
ang nais na makapiling

di nga ba't
iyo na ngang natanto
na ang pagsinta sa iyo'y
higit pa sa bawat kong pagtula

holding on

to quote you, "these are difficult times." i completely agree. the past days has been so dark, i feel i was, and still am, in this pitch-black hole, broken-hearted/tormented heart-shaped hole and it feels as if there's no day coming.

i wantyed to cry it over to you the moment i saw you walk in.i wanted you to wrap your arms around me and feel even for a minute, warmth. genuine warmth. but then, how could i? it seems everybody in this world is trying to cope or is faced too with immeasurrable amount of pains and sufferrings that i knew, had i let my guards down, it would have been worse.

so i hold on, no matter how thin the rope is, i am holding on. i have to hold on. otherwise my whole universe will fall right in front of my face because the truth is, i am barely breathing. details of this is definitely unwriteable.

i take pleasure instead on the fact that i am surrounded by some good friends who are, although in a very limited way, keeping up with me.

and that though this dark hole seems to be so so deep, i remind myself, i know how to swim and i have borrowed some wings.

things will be better. i don't know when, but it will be.

and, by the way, i remember, i have kept enough strength to use, in case of emergency so please, come to me in case of emergency. this strength is, for two.

you take care. hold on too. i am holding on.
and sooner than you thought it would be, the fire will be extinguished and you will find yourself outside, with wings unclipped, spreading.

these are difficult times.indeed.
and so i am holding on.

morning stars

not knowing

it does hurt really to be far away and not know why it seems as though you have completely forgotten me, or completely ignoring me with the little that i can do to reach you.

it hurts even more to not know why, even after all, i still ache and dream of you when i sleep, night or day.

the sea and its waves tried really hard to crush my heart and replace it with something new.
to no avail, as always.

i miss you so much and i don't know why, you completely ignore me.

and then yes, the cold wind still keeps still when i whisper your name.

with Janica Tejano

gathering

i was wrong again. not completely, but greatly.
i thought i have settled, i thought i have acepted, i thought i am stronger.

but as i gathered all the pieces today, pieces of myself and those that are not supposed to be mine but has successfully took shape within my reach, i once again found myself suffocated, unable to breathe and worse, the ocean of these pieces trapped in my eyes kept me from seeing clearly, thus the breakdown, the longing to just vanish like dusts in the afternoon wind.

and then the rain felt like eternity enclosing me in public spaces, crying in the midst of chores.

the pieces of myself i tried to gather closely has, as always, found their way scatterring all over the roads and highways of my day, today, a dark day.

you see, these pieces are mainly of memories i weaved from the very first time. oh how i successfully kept them encased inside my heart and mind opening them at times to pull some strings of hope or at least, a tinge of.

and these pieces are so beautiful. so wonderful altogether.
not to mention, the pains and deaths intertwined with all of it- sometimes enhancing the beauty, sometimes erasing it, unsuccessfully.

and now, as i gathered all these to make me smile, at least, i see clearly, i am not strong. yet.

i haven't fully accepted what i must.

i still see myself wanting, longing, even asking for what i am not suppose to.

and to say i am sorry is simply, an obvious futility. for i feel more than sorry. for not being self-less.

i still don't know how to love, fully.

i still see you and me walking down the street

holding each other's hand.

tonight, the gathering continuous. and what is left for me to do? nothing.
but to let the rain fall down, some more and drown myself in the ocean of my own doing.

i am wrong still. but i am willing to learn.

untitled poems

fransiscan mountain clinic
kansalakan, banwage
guihulngan city, negros oriental


binalot ng dilim
ang liwanag ng daigdig
at ang katahimika'y
binabasag ng hangin

mahaba ang paglalakbay
tungo sa mapayapang daigdig na ito
na ngayo'y yakap-yakap
at sa isipa'y kinukupkop

tiyak ang pakay
ng pagparito
sa kabila na maapoy na araw
at ulang walang humpay

ngayong gabi'y
binalot ng dilim
ang buong daigdig
ikinubli sampu ng mga bituin

at hindi man mamasdan,
ang mga awit ng sapa

hatid nito ang katiyakang
bukas ay pag-asa
----------

mula sa lunduyang
hindi hagip ng iyong pananaw,
hatid ng panggabing hangin
ang mahigpit kong yakap
at ang aking mga halik
na katipan ng aking pananabik

hayaan mong iduyan ka
ng aking pag-ibig ngayong gabing
nilisan ng mga tala at ng buwan
sa daigdig na bagong tuklas
kung saan
ang katahimikan
hangin lamang ang nakababasag

ikaw ang laman ng isipan
habang inaawitan ng mga ibong ligaw
habang idinuduyan ng hangin
habang humahabi ng pag-asa
ang pusong ikaw ang pangarap

at sa aking mga panaginip
tiyak na ikaw ang kapiling
hinahagkan ko ang iyong mga labi
yakap kang anong higpit
at langit ay saksi

hindi pipigilan
kahit ng mga pag-abon
sa dapit-hapon
----

nothing in this universe
reminds me of you.

not a single bird
sings me your name
nor does the wind
touch me with your hands

the rivers
the springs
the creeks
do not write your name
on their ripples

even the moon
and the stars are absent
so that the sky
is dark at night
and does not draw your face

but i don't need the universe
to remember you

my heart beats nothing
but your name
and each breath i take

is only for you.