some lines...

midnight melody

kun sa matag nakong pagginhawa
ikaw ug ikaw ra ang hinungdan,

dili magduhaduha
kining akong kasing-kasing,

mosawm ko sa dagat
bisan pa man ang lawas
dili anad sa paglangoy

o kahay molupad ko
sama sa langgam paingon
sa iyang bay
bisan pa man og
pangitaon pa nako
ang akong pako.

ingon niana,
buhaton nako
bisan og unsa pa man
aron maduol kanimo

bisan gani ang pagkab-ot sa bulan
ug mga bitoon,
akong sulayan

alang kanimo.

kay sa matag nakong
pagginhawa
ikaw ang akong gipangita.


sa pagsilang ng umaga

hindi iindahin
anumang kirot,
hinagpis at pasakit

kung ang pagluluwal
ng isang umaga'y
bumubura sa bawat ala-ala
at humihilom sa mga sugat
mula sa kahapong
pilit nating nililisan.

ngunit hindi tiyak
itong paglimot.

hindi tiyak
itong ninanais na
lubusang paglimot.

hahayaan at ipauubaya
sa silahis ng araw
anumang kirot
na dulot
ng pagsilang ng
umaga

tiyak naman nito
ang pagbusilak
ng bagong panata
bagong pag-asa.

community- based.

killing you in my mind

i miss you.
terribly, terribly so.

though you have not touched me and i have not touched you for a long time,
believe it or not,
i can still smell your sweat on my chest, i can still feel you under me,
i can still smell your whole body.

it is true, i have memorized you. i have memorized your whole being that even from afar i can hear your heart beating, beating fast.especially in those dark quiet corners of the night.

and yet, goodbye.
i have learned to kill you everyday.inside my mind.

between the hills and the sea

between the hills and the sea,
your image appears
gracing the roads and highways
of a territory newly found
like a certain wind,
a beautiful wind.

and the clouds form pleasantly
your face
that has become familiar
in my every sunrise,
in my every dream,
in my everyday
filled by thoughts of you.

i touch the wind
and it seems like,
i am touching you.

today,
you have touched my heart
again.


July 13, 2008
Poetry on a busride
Negros Occidental

mindanao-bound.again.

the moment i stepped on my boat back to cebu on june 27in cagayan de oro, the first thing i uttered on the calm waves of the night sea was "i am coming back."

and i meant it.

eversince i arrived in cebu the next day, that was the thought that was primarily filling my everyday. and why not? mindanao is marvelous. northern mindanao is particularly captivating.

cagayan de oro for one, has enchanted my heart. the bridges at night spells magic on the air it soothes even the most tired souls. especially with wonderful people, of course. the first time i saw cagayan de oro some years ago, i instantly fell in love with it and few trips back later, i just knew i had to stay longer in this place.

iligan city, on the other hand has its own otherworldly feel. it’s like longing to be touched further, further, deeper into its core. the roads for me are mysterious. It has to be a place i should frequent.

camiguin of course, is breath-taking, no contest.

then there’s bukidnon, marawi, maguindanao nearby.each waiting to be loved more, each calling out my name as i was sailing away.

the truth is, i cannot explain why this strong longing to go back to northern mindanao. I really cannot come up with a really noble objectives. All i honestly know is, i git to be back there soon.

on the other hand, my bohemian spirit aside, i know i can do something worthwhile and relevant on that northern part of the south.

mindanao-bound.again.

returning

it is a bit funny how memories appear suddenly, sometimes.

it was raining hard this afternoon and i was walking down some roads and in the throng of strangers, i thought i caught a glimpse of you, in a red shirt and then everyhting flashed back to more than a year ago.

i saw you on the street, alone, it was night and we caught each other's sight and there was nothing more to say than an unfairly short hello and how are you.and you were wearing red.

it was so vivid this afternoon. how that memory appeared, in the midst of rain and one wrong face in the ocean of strangers. probably, it was a moment of memories returning. those strangers may have been having thir moments too with someone in their respective lives. perhaps, one of them mistook me for someone else, from a distance.

and then, as always, one memory appears after the other and quite rapidly. in my case, exhilirating. i tried to run away and found myself in a photo store. an old photo store.

i bought some rolls of films for my toy camera and ran towards the rain, i might be able to trap those memories if i click. through the eyes of the strangers that might have looked when i did.

and then i remembered one conversation, you were so disappointed i wasn't bringing a camera as we planned to go to an island.

ah, that afternoon rain. i should have stayed inside. it would have avoided memories of you returning.

tonight, i'd be sniling when i sleep. you appeared. and i am strong, i went through it.

but more than that, there will definitely be a dream of someone else.

poems for a magical one

Towards your island of magic

slowly now,
we are again being separated
by the wind that whispers your name
by the waves that call on me
and the ripples are well-lit
even with invisible stars

songs are sang
by strangers i may never know
crowding the space betwee us
that grows wider each second

only for now though,
only for now.

i listen to my heart
and it beats softly
the hills
the rivers
the leaves
the bridges
the boats
the magic that surrounds you

and the sea
shall cradle me again
back to your island


beautiful arrivals

always,
you arrive in moments
of solitude

like when i am
about to
close my eyes at night
you appear instantly
smiling.

in my dreams,
you appear too
smiling.

and then,
i wake up
smiling.


mga pagdating na kayrikit

kinukupkop ako
ng iyong mga ngiti
sa bawat mong pagdating
sa tuwing nag-iisa
patungo
sa kung saan
mayroong tiyak
na katahimikan

halimbawa,
habang akoy papaidlip.

sa unang pagpikit
naaaninag ang iyong pisngi

o kaya'y
sa aking panaginip
dumarating ka,
mala anghel
may pakpak na puti,
at ika'y nakangiti

kung kaya't
sa pagsilang ng umaga
sa pagdampi ng unang sinag
sa aking mukha'y
may ngiti
sa aking mga labi

o kay rikit
ng bawat mong pagdating.


sa sinapupunan ng magdamag

sa sinapupunan
ng bawat magdamag
ipinagbubuntis
ang iyong
katangi-tanging
kariktan.

higit sa iyong
makinis na pisngi,
mga labing
kaysarap hagkan
at mga matang
lagi't laging ninanais
na mapako
sa akin lamang.

isinisilang
ng bawat madaling araw
ang iyong kislap
ang iyong kinang
na nagmumula sa iyong kaibuturan
na nagsisilang naman
sa bawat matamis kong
pagngiti

bagong sanhi ng pagngiti

pati ang mga tala
na dati-rati'y iginuguhit
ang iyong pangalan
ngayon ay tila
sadyang kinalimutan
ang pangakong
habangbuhay magiging saksi
sa pagsintang inialay sa iyo

ang mga alon ng karagatan
hindi na inaawit
ang mga tula ng iyong pag-iral
o ang mga hinagpis
ng aking sa iyo'y bawat saglit
na pagtangi
o ang mga umagang pinangingiti
ng iyong yakap
ang aking puso

marahil,
kagaya ng pagsikat ng araw
o kaya'y pagtatakip-silim,
sumapit na ang wakas
ng aking pag-ibig sa iyo
gaano man ito kawagas

at tunay nga marahil
na ang bawat pag-ulan
sa madaling-araw
ay nagdadala ng bagong tibok
bagong tuwa

at ang hangin,
nitong dalampasigang tinatawid
ay bumubulong,
nagbabadya
ng bagong sanhi
ng patuloy na pagngiti

bagong sanhi ng pagngiti

pati ang mga tala
na dati-rati'y iginuguhit
ang iyong pangalan
ngayon ay tila
sadyang kinalimutan
ang pangakong
habangbuhay magiging saksi
sa pagsintang inialay sa iyo

ang mga alon ng karagatan
hindi na inaawit
ang mga tula ng iyong pag-iral
o ang mga hinagpis
ng aking sa iyo'y bawat saglit
na pagtangi
o ang mga umagang pinangingiti
ng iyong yakap
ang aking puso

marahil,
kagaya ng pagsikat ng araw
o kaya'y pagtatakip-silim,
sumapit na ang wakas
ng aking pag-ibig sa iyo
gaano man ito kawagas

at tunay nga marahil
na ang bawat pag-ulan
sa madaling-araw
ay nagdadala ng bagong tibok
bagong tuwa

at ang hangin,
nitong dalampasigang tinatawid
ay bumubulong,
nagbabadya
ng bagong sanhi
ng patuloy na pagngiti

day 7.final day of the mindanao roadtrip

in a few hours, i'll be leaving cagayan de oro, the golden city that has completely inflicted my heart with so much magic that i am definitely coming back here.

i will write about my travails when i get home tomorrow. or few days after that.

let me just say two things: mindanao is magical and i am coming back.

p.s.

jim morrison is the best travel buddy, ever. [i'll be writing about this more, separately]

films i got to see while in this trip: teeth.bella.lock, stock and two smokin' barrels.snatch.the depaerted.a mighty heart.

tinutukso ako ng umagang ito

tinutukso ako ng umagang ito
ang mga silahis ng araw ay nanunutil
pilit binabalik
ang bawat mong pagngiti

umiindayog sa aking mga mata
ang liwanag
na unti-unting hinuhubog
ang iyong
maalindog na mukha

bakas sa mga ulap
ang iyong mga matang
minsa'y nalulumbay sa dilim
minsa'y maligaya sa madaling -araw
minsa'y mapang-akit s abukang liwayway
minsa'y tila walang bahala sa magdamag

ngunit hanggang dito na lamang
wala ni ano mang kapangyarihang hawak
na makapagpapatagpo sa ating mga puso

unti-unti'y
nag-aanimo pinto
itong panunumbalik-diwa
sasarhan ang anumang ala-ala
ng sa iyo'y aking pagsinta

funeral of love

to say that i am struggling right now to stand firm by what i have decided is a staggering understatement.it is almost like i am in purgatory wishing for either hell to come fast or heaven to rescue me right away.

it is indeed a very very difficult decision to kill a love. no, even that is an understatement, it feels almost like suicide.

not only because it is a very wonderful love, a beautiful one but also because it's the longest love i have held in my heart so far. it is the kind that i thought i would be keeping with me for the rest of my life. i honestly believed in that and i did intend to.

until life occured to me and i became human again. i can only take too much.

so i decided to kill it. no matter how hard it was, no matter how painful, no matter how it kills me every single day because killing it meant i grow less hopeful, faithful and romantic. it means i ceased being the poster boy love, on this side of the world and that is a bad thing.

but yes, i had to. for my own sanity. for my own life.

i don't want to eat my words in the future so i'd say, yes, i still am very much in love and i am not perfectly sure that i will not resurrect it again.

but i am trying my very best. i failed in the past but this time is another time. i might succeed. and be finally free as i burry this love, six feet under.

kuya dan's despedida

Kuya Dan was going to Singapore
and so the planets collided again!
June 9, 2008/Banilad, Cebu City

tuli

fly

i really believed in it. and i really thought it wouldn't be over.
but it's not easy.tears form oceans.nights are sleepless.heart is crushed. i almost believed it will take me three lifetimes.

but i was willing.
i thought i can never do it.but i did it.and i'm glad it's over.

now, i can fly.

Kidlat De Guia's Exhibit: sleeping white elephants

kidlat de guia is probabaly one of Manila's
most prolific multi-media artist today.from TV to film to photography, this kid really rocks!
let's not even mention he's one of the three sons of "the Kidlat Tahimik".
so if you're anywhere near the venue tomorrow, June 7, don't miss the opening!

someone you can love too

I am weak.
I ache.
My heart is frail.

I leave it to the sea and the wind
To the stars
Who are my eternal witnesses
Along with afternoon showers
And midnight rains

For you to hear
Or feel

That I am someone
You can love too.

salaod ba

salaod ba
nga ikaw higugmaon
sa matag nakong pagginhawa?

salaod ba
nga ikaw lamang
ang huna-hunaon
sa matag nakong
pagmata,
pagpiyong,
paglakaw,
pagdagan ug
pagkatulog?

salaod ba
nga ikaw lamang ang unod
sa matag nakong pagbalak?

salaod ba
nga ikaw lamang
ang higugmaon
bisan pa man
og ikaw miingon
nga hangtud sa kahangturan,
dili ko nimo makat-onang
higugmaon?

kun kining tanan
salaod,
andam kong molingkod
sa silya elektrika.

why do i love you?

i was staring at each corner of the room where we were both lying, half- asleep, half- awake.

i shifted from one corner to another and to your closed eyes.

and for once, after a long long time, i asked myself one question i never imagined i would be asking at that exact moment: why do i love you?

and then you opened your eyes, i was running my fingers through your beautiful black hair, then you closed your eyes.

i wanted to think that everytime you do that, the closing of your eyes when i run my fingers through your hair, you are feeling my touches inbto the deepest part of your heart. but i don't know that.and i wouldn't ask. and it wouldn't matter really.

so why do i love you?i repeated the question in my mind.

i wrapped my arms around you and you did the same. i kissed you eyes, your right cheek, your nose and you kissed me on my head, soft little kiss.

i stared at each corner of the room again, while we were still both lying, both half-asleep, half-awake. why would i ask a question like that?

i closed my eyes for a second. i smiled, a certain smile that i knew was coming from my heart. i know you may not have noticed it because that kind of smile last almost always, only a second.

i kissed you again.

i smiled again. i love you. that's it. no questions asked.

ang pagsinta sa iyo'y higit pa sa bawat kong pagtula

ganoon na lamang ang sa iyo'y
aking pagdakila
kung kaya't
ang aking pagsinta'y higit na
sa bawat kong pagtula

higit na sa bawat kong paghinga
ang sa iyo'y pag-ibig
na sa bawat bukang liwayway,
sinasaksihan ng langit

hindi na iniinda
ang bawat kirot
na hatid
ng iyong hindi paglingon
sa bawat pagtawag ng puso

hindi iindahin pang muli
ang patuloy na pagdugo
ng mula't simula pa'y
sugatang puso

ganoon na lamang
ang aking pag-ibig
ang aking pagsintang sa iyo lamang

na sa bawat pag-inog ng mundo
walang ibang sambit ang puso

at sa bawat saglit ng pag-iral

ikaw lamang
ang nais na mahagkan
ang nais na makasiping
ang nais na makapiling

di nga ba't
iyo na ngang natanto
na ang pagsinta sa iyo'y
higit pa sa bawat kong pagtula

holding on

to quote you, "these are difficult times." i completely agree. the past days has been so dark, i feel i was, and still am, in this pitch-black hole, broken-hearted/tormented heart-shaped hole and it feels as if there's no day coming.

i wantyed to cry it over to you the moment i saw you walk in.i wanted you to wrap your arms around me and feel even for a minute, warmth. genuine warmth. but then, how could i? it seems everybody in this world is trying to cope or is faced too with immeasurrable amount of pains and sufferrings that i knew, had i let my guards down, it would have been worse.

so i hold on, no matter how thin the rope is, i am holding on. i have to hold on. otherwise my whole universe will fall right in front of my face because the truth is, i am barely breathing. details of this is definitely unwriteable.

i take pleasure instead on the fact that i am surrounded by some good friends who are, although in a very limited way, keeping up with me.

and that though this dark hole seems to be so so deep, i remind myself, i know how to swim and i have borrowed some wings.

things will be better. i don't know when, but it will be.

and, by the way, i remember, i have kept enough strength to use, in case of emergency so please, come to me in case of emergency. this strength is, for two.

you take care. hold on too. i am holding on.
and sooner than you thought it would be, the fire will be extinguished and you will find yourself outside, with wings unclipped, spreading.

these are difficult times.indeed.
and so i am holding on.

morning stars

not knowing

it does hurt really to be far away and not know why it seems as though you have completely forgotten me, or completely ignoring me with the little that i can do to reach you.

it hurts even more to not know why, even after all, i still ache and dream of you when i sleep, night or day.

the sea and its waves tried really hard to crush my heart and replace it with something new.
to no avail, as always.

i miss you so much and i don't know why, you completely ignore me.

and then yes, the cold wind still keeps still when i whisper your name.

with Janica Tejano

gathering

i was wrong again. not completely, but greatly.
i thought i have settled, i thought i have acepted, i thought i am stronger.

but as i gathered all the pieces today, pieces of myself and those that are not supposed to be mine but has successfully took shape within my reach, i once again found myself suffocated, unable to breathe and worse, the ocean of these pieces trapped in my eyes kept me from seeing clearly, thus the breakdown, the longing to just vanish like dusts in the afternoon wind.

and then the rain felt like eternity enclosing me in public spaces, crying in the midst of chores.

the pieces of myself i tried to gather closely has, as always, found their way scatterring all over the roads and highways of my day, today, a dark day.

you see, these pieces are mainly of memories i weaved from the very first time. oh how i successfully kept them encased inside my heart and mind opening them at times to pull some strings of hope or at least, a tinge of.

and these pieces are so beautiful. so wonderful altogether.
not to mention, the pains and deaths intertwined with all of it- sometimes enhancing the beauty, sometimes erasing it, unsuccessfully.

and now, as i gathered all these to make me smile, at least, i see clearly, i am not strong. yet.

i haven't fully accepted what i must.

i still see myself wanting, longing, even asking for what i am not suppose to.

and to say i am sorry is simply, an obvious futility. for i feel more than sorry. for not being self-less.

i still don't know how to love, fully.

i still see you and me walking down the street

holding each other's hand.

tonight, the gathering continuous. and what is left for me to do? nothing.
but to let the rain fall down, some more and drown myself in the ocean of my own doing.

i am wrong still. but i am willing to learn.

untitled poems

fransiscan mountain clinic
kansalakan, banwage
guihulngan city, negros oriental


binalot ng dilim
ang liwanag ng daigdig
at ang katahimika'y
binabasag ng hangin

mahaba ang paglalakbay
tungo sa mapayapang daigdig na ito
na ngayo'y yakap-yakap
at sa isipa'y kinukupkop

tiyak ang pakay
ng pagparito
sa kabila na maapoy na araw
at ulang walang humpay

ngayong gabi'y
binalot ng dilim
ang buong daigdig
ikinubli sampu ng mga bituin

at hindi man mamasdan,
ang mga awit ng sapa

hatid nito ang katiyakang
bukas ay pag-asa
----------

mula sa lunduyang
hindi hagip ng iyong pananaw,
hatid ng panggabing hangin
ang mahigpit kong yakap
at ang aking mga halik
na katipan ng aking pananabik

hayaan mong iduyan ka
ng aking pag-ibig ngayong gabing
nilisan ng mga tala at ng buwan
sa daigdig na bagong tuklas
kung saan
ang katahimikan
hangin lamang ang nakababasag

ikaw ang laman ng isipan
habang inaawitan ng mga ibong ligaw
habang idinuduyan ng hangin
habang humahabi ng pag-asa
ang pusong ikaw ang pangarap

at sa aking mga panaginip
tiyak na ikaw ang kapiling
hinahagkan ko ang iyong mga labi
yakap kang anong higpit
at langit ay saksi

hindi pipigilan
kahit ng mga pag-abon
sa dapit-hapon
----

nothing in this universe
reminds me of you.

not a single bird
sings me your name
nor does the wind
touch me with your hands

the rivers
the springs
the creeks
do not write your name
on their ripples

even the moon
and the stars are absent
so that the sky
is dark at night
and does not draw your face

but i don't need the universe
to remember you

my heart beats nothing
but your name
and each breath i take

is only for you.

settling

yesterday, in the midst of flu and scoliosis, i acquired myself an undertime wishing i could sleep and have the much needed rest but the heat that penetrated even the remotest corner of my small world did not let me.

instead, the afternoon took me to certain places and moments captured and printed on rectangles and yes, tears that somehow are no longer always ready to fall anytime just kept falling.

no, not of sadness.

yes, there is loneliness but more of the profound feeling of acceptance of things that for a time now, i can no longer find the strength to fight against. even to fight for.

as i looked at each memory immortalized in each photograph, i realized more and more how i have grown accustomed to all that this feelings i have for a particular beautiful being bring about. and then i asked myself again, after being taught upon to rationalize and see it as a choice, what is there really to choose from?

to move away only to find myself searching the way back again and again?

and yes, how does one empty its heart to give way to something new that may happen? or may not?

what does one really choose between loving albeit hurting and living without love? is it not a trick question?

perhaps, some hearts settle for less than what they want than nothing at all.

or some sweet things bought on the store at dawn.

sa isang sulok ng magdamag

kunukupkop ng madaling-araw

ang mga sandaling hinabi

sa bawat pagdalaw,

sa bawat nating pagyakap

sa bawat sandaling

nilalabanan,

kinukupkop rin

sa isang sulok ng magdamag

ang katotohanang pilit mang baguhi'y

nananatili.

nananatiling nakagapos

ang aking puso

nananatiling ikaw lamang

ilang ulit mang labanan

at sa isang sulok

ng bawat nating magdamag

nagkukubli ang bawat nating damdamin,

ang bawat pagtibok

ang bawat paghinga

at may lungkot

sa pagtuklas

na sa isang sulok ng magdamag

tiyak ang binibigkas

ng puso ko sa iyo

at ng puso mo sa akin,

na kahit sa iisang sulok sabay ang pagtibok

hindi pa rin iisa ang nadarama.

sa isang sulok ng magdamag

pati ang puso ko'y umaawit rin

inaawitan ng hangin
ang mga along
isinisigaw ang iyong pangalan
sa karagatan ng umagang
sinasalamin ng mga silahis ng araw
ang iyong mukhang kinasasabikan

hinahagkan kita
sa aking isipang
umaapaw sa iyong ala-ala
kasabay ng pusong
ikaw rin ang pinipintig

inaawitan ng hangin
ang maalong umagang
muli'y ikaw at ikaw lamang
ang ginugunita

kasabay ng hangin,
pati ang puso ko'y umaawit rin

April 16, 2008
Kawit, Medellin, Cebu

magkasabay ang paghinga

masalimuot pa rin, oo, ang rubdob ay nananatili at ang pagsikat ng araw kanina'y isang gintong ala-ala.

tunay pa ring pag-ibig, hamon man nito'y sinasaksihan ng mga talang patuloy ginuguhit sa kalangitan ang bawat ala-ala.

tanong pa rin ay, may patutunguhan ba?

ang pagsinta'y nanatiling laan sa kanya na lagi't lagi nang naghahatid ng pangamba, ligaya

at ngayo'y wala na ngang paghihintay o pag-asa na dumating nang lubos,

kahit pa man sa iisang sulok, magkasabay ang paghinga

Jube and I

The Loboc River's possible destruction